I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I could fuck to npr.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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