my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
