he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm like, not good at living.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
