I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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