You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So much Jack, so little girl.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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