As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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