9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
