My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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