Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
