wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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