sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
