Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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