seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
