you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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