She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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