and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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