would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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