Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize