Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
