I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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