I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
