I should be sponsored by Trojan
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
