so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
