good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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