mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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