I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
