Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
