I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
