I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize