So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
