...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
