Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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