Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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