Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
