please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
