Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
