were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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