Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
