Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
