Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
