Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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