There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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