I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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