I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
