So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize