Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
