Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize