woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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