Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
