Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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