If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
