I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
