we're chasing vodka with high fives
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
try to milk me bitch
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