i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i drank out of a bidet.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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