An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
