did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
