I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So much rum. So many feels.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
