I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
