is your mom at the bar?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
