My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
