it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
party gras won. party gras always wins.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
