So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
