Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize