Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
