sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize