You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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