my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
